The card I almost didn't receive

This past year on my birthday my daughter told me she had found and purchased the perfect card for me however it had somehow gotten lost.  She returned to the store and tried to find it but it wasn't there. She said I’m sorry but here is the other card, the one that doesn't say what I wanted to tell you.  I laughed opened and enjoyed the sweet card.  

Fast forward 3 months, my daughter brought up the lost card again. She lamented having deep cleaned her room and still no card.  My son overhearing her, asked her about it and they walked off sharing the story with one another.  They went to their dads for visitation the next evening and when they returned home my daughter said we found the card mom, it was hidden at dads but we found it. 

I opened the card “Mom You love with passion. Live with purpose and embrace life’s possibilities. And you've taught me to do the same. Thank you for inspiring me year after year.”  She signed it “I really really really love you mom. Happy Birthday”.  A contented sigh escaped my lips, the card was perfect. It described me so vividly, how I approach life post-divorce.  I was so grateful my children recognize the way I love life and those around me. 

The lost card was validation that I am not wasting my time, I am setting the example I want my children to see.  Two days later, my daughter tagged me on an Instagram post “You are my inspiration”.  This time I teared up.  It was simple, small and perfect.  The card and then the IG post, confirmation that the divorce was the right path to take, confirmation my children are beautiful and healthy and successful. 

Arming Victims of Domestic Abuse, is it the answer?

I recently read watched a video Link here where a michigan law maker is proposing arming victims of domestic abuse, educating them and allowing them to carry weapons in schools, churches, everywhere they go.  Is this the answer? 

As someone who suffered years of abuse myself I am puzzled as to why this law maker thinks this would be the answer.  I think I understand what he is trying to accomplish.  I think he believes people who have been abused are victims and that we need to be giving a weapon because we are not strong enough on our own to defend ourselves.   I see his point.  However, he is wrong.  

I was raised in an abusive home.  Then I spent 16 years in an abusive marriage.  I was naive, I didn't think it was abuse.  NO matter what happened, I made excuses for my abusers.  When someone finally cared enough to step into my life and said Sarah that behavior is wrong, you will change the situation or we will take your children away from you.    Guess what?  My eyes were finally opened.  I started to see my life for what it was. I realized not everyone lived the way my children and I were living.

Back to the topic at hand, giving guns to people who have been abused in the past.  People who have stalkers. I have been told many times over the years that I should get a Conceal and Carry license.  I should have a gun in my home.  My past abuser has broken into my home multiple times, slashed my tires, broken my windshield, hacked my personal accounts, and much much more.  I gave the gun issue a lot of thought.  I think I am the only member of my quite large family that does not have a conceal and carry license. 

Here are my reasons for refusing to get a gun: If I have a gun and my past abuser and I have a confrontation of any kind that results in me shooting him.  Either he will die or he will be wounded.   A) He is the father of my children.  Do I need to say more?     B) A gun is just a gun.  It can be taken away, manipulated and used against you.  An abuser is manipulative, controlling and horrible.  That is why they are called abusers.   when I use my inner strength, the lessons I have learned, my dignity, my strength and beauty - those cannot be twisted, taken away, manipulated or used against me.  Ever.  I am stronger and better than he is. Every single day. In every single situation.   I do not need a gun.  

I believe there are situations when educating and arming Abuse Survivors is appropriate.  However, it should not be every survivor and it should not be done without a lot of care and counseling.  My children and I all have PTSD.  and our abuser was not physically abusive.  I am the only one he tried to kill.

Abuse Survivors are STRONG enough to survive, fight back and be well equipped emotionally if we will support them and continue to be there for them.  Don't let them down. If you are an Abuse Survivor, if you have ever been close to an Abuse Survivor you recognize the signs.  Step in, just be a friend, you know what to do and how to do it.  Give them the strength they don't think they have.   That is the BEST way you can ever ARM someone who is being abused. 

Written perfectly

NO regrets! Life only makes you stronger. This articles says it so well

Balance

Divorced and sole custodial parent of my children gives me certain privileges. I make medical and all life decisions on my own. I don’t have to worry about their dad’s opinion.  I do worry about it, however legally I don’t have to.  I can go against everything he wants, if I choose to.  

However, in real life, the one we live every day, his opinion matters a great deal.  It matters to my children. They want their dad’s love, they long for his approval, his acceptance and to hear him say he is proud of them.  This is so evident in my 7 year old.  He struggles every single day.  He tells everyone my favorite color is blue because my dad says boys like blue, the truth is his favorite color is pink.  When he goes to his friends’ house and plays dolls with her don’t tell my dad, he says dolls are for girls.   He no longer wants me to paint his finger and toe nails (something he loves) because dad says boys don’t wear nail polish.    He doesn’t dance at the band concerts because dad is there and dad said NO! Boys don’t spin and dance.     And yesterday it was cold and rainy outside; he had a lazy day in my bedroom watching T.V. , he wore my jewelry all day.  He loves my jewelry.  The bracelets, necklaces, he has his favorites that he would were every day if society allowed.  He looks up at me all decked out in silver and jewels as he says please don’t tell dad. Mom, can boys wear jewelry?   My heart breaks for him. Of course, they can my love.  Boys can wear jewelry and play house and have tea and makeup. Whatever they want to do. Just like girls can play tools, trucks and transformers. He smiles and adds another layer of embellishment.   

Why are people so afraid to let our kids grow up as themselves?  Aren’t we simply to guide them? I don’t think my son is gay because he likes nail polish, pink, skinny jeans, and thinks Katy Perry is soooo hot.   I don’t think my daughter is gay because she never wears a skirt, wears less feminine clothes than I do and lord knows she can’t walk in a pair of stilettos.   They are my kids and I love them.  I love them because they are unique.  

Their dad on the other hand prefers more traditional roles for boys and girls. So when my kids come home upset about something Dad has said or implied; my role is to carefully balance what he has said.  Dad is certainly within his rights to hold his own opinion and I make sure my children know that.  I want them to be strong enough to maintain their choices and opinions even when it isn’t the popular one.  So I reinforce their individuality, show them how much I love them for who they are; all their silly little things that make them a unique individual and a wonderful amazing human.  

Balance. It’s all about balance.

Finding happiness in work

Finding the work you love

Being in love

Can you be in love without having a significant other?  It's a strange question to ask however I found myself giving it serious thought. 

I believe I am in love.  I am dating no one, seeing no one, not even texting or talking to anyone.  However, I experience that euphoric feeling almost every day.  I have fallen in love with life, my life.   Sound crazy? Probably is, unless you are the person experiencing the joy and euphoria. 

Some days when I reflect over my life I am overwhelmed at the number of times life has spilled my coffee and how much of my coffee it has spilled.  40 years old, single mother to four wonderful children (who I yelled at last night and this morning because they didn't do their chores), divorced, filed bankruptcy, survived 16 years in an abusive marriage, no one would describe my childhood as healthy or normal.   Those are just a few of the times life has spilled my coffee and yet I am still in love with life. 

Every single experience has taught me something or changed my life.  The other day I went on a date, it wasn't a blah boring date.  Frankly the guy showed up hung over and put zero effort into making an impression.  The restaurant he chose had poor reviews on YELP yet he couldn't be bothered to check YELP prior to arranging our date.  So we went, the service was horrible with the exception of one young man.  He cleaned the table while we waited, went out of his way to make our meal as pleasent as possible despite the obstacles the manager and kitchen staff were putting in his way.  We watched and observed, I mentioned him to my date.   It just happened my date is an executive in the food industry, he noticed the young man as well.  At the end of our evening, my date approached the young man, asked a few questions, gave him his business card and asked the young man to give him a call the following day.  The young man called, completed an application and is currently being interviewed for a manager position with a major food chain.  

When I look back on that evening, I don't regret anything about it.  Maybe my date wasn't on his A game, obviously he should have made more effort (perhaps he would have gotten a second date) however, because of his choices a young man's life has been changed.  Even if the young man doesn't get the management position this time, he knows an executive in his industry thought highly enough of his character to ask him to apply.  You can bet he will apply again and again until he gets the position he wants. 

Learn to love life... everything about it, the good and the times your coffee is spilled.  Find the good things...they are always there. 

Personal limitations

‘If you accept the expectations of others, especially the negative ones, then you never will change the outcome’ – R.I.S.E. Academy (@wakeriseupnowrise)

Abusers use words to maintain power over their victims. It doesn’t matter what kind of abuser they are: physical, sexual, mental, emotional or verbal – they all use words to control their victims. 

You will NEVER make it on your own

Look at you, No one would EVER love you

If you loved me you would ______

You make me so angry…

Why don’t you ever do anything right?

How many of these have you heard? How many have you believed? How many have you spoken? As a child and as a wife and mother I heard so many things that I thought were a normal part of life.  However, after years of healing post-divorce I realized how damaging those things were.  How those words spoken to me in anger, in bitterness, in whatever misguided motivation, affected me.   I believed them.  When my ex told me no one would ever love me, I believed him.   Honestly, I had a long list of reasons why no one would ever love me.  Reasons I would be single until the day I die.  I was miserable.  Everything on that list – he had provided to me, when he was angry, when he was lashing out.  16 years of marriage meant he knew exactly where to hit and how to hurt me.  He knew where I was vulnerable. 

It was only when I learned to put those words out of my mind.  To choose a different thought process, to choose my own life that things started to change.   I challenge you – carefully review the reasons behind your thoughts.  Think about what motivates you.   Choose the positive.  

Know that:You are GOOD ENOUGH

You are GOOD enough! 

YOU CAN and WILL MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN

You are STRONG enough! 

You love you and that is ENOUGH

BECAUSE you love yourself, you are choosing happiness….

No one can MAKE someone angry; we are responsible for our own reactions… Make wise, positive choices